Miscellany, Potpourri, and Other Stuff That Comes to Mind

• If there's welfare for devastated foreigners, farmers, and owners of beachfront property, why not welfare for the devastated taxpayer? Give us a break -- a tax break.

• Re the "patients' bill of rights": The doctors have made their bargain with the devil -- and we'll all pay the bill.

• Taxes and regulations drain almost half of the output of the U.S. economy. Where's the outrage?

• It's time for the annual installment of "As the Fiscal Year Turns." Stay tuned as the media foment fear and loathing of the Republican-controlled Congress -- the evil-doer in this annual budget drama. Will the evil Congress shut down the government? Will the good guys in the White House come to the rescue and keep the government running? Frankly, my dears, who gives a damn? Does the federal government run our lives or are "we the people" in charge of ourselves? Shut it down. Let them eat red tape in Washington.

• Truth is to government as daylight is to vampires.

• Kansas is to science as a gorilla is to tapdancing.

• If a nation must draft its soldiers, is it a nation worth fighting for?

• Democrats -- having embraced balanced budgets as a sign of "fiscal responsibility" -- must keep taxes high to keep the welfare state intact. They know where their votes come from.

• The latest liberal bogeyman is "urban sprawl." Of course there's urban sprawl. Not everyone wants to live in the hot, crowded, noisy, filthy confines of downtown Washington, D.C. -- and its ilk -- and pay twice what it costs to live in the suburbs. Unlike the rest of us, Al Bore and his fellow limousine liberals can live in the city and remain well-insulated from the "joys" of city life.

• Patients already have the right to pay for uninsured medical expenses. The so-called "patients' bill of rights" is merely a way of forcing everyone else to chip in. But some people still believe in free lunches -- or free-loading.

• The government's so-called budget surplus is merely the difference between extortionate taxes and extravagant spending.

• Instead of government of the people, by the people, for the people, we have government of the people, by the politicians, for the special interests.

• GOP = Groveling Over-the-hill Party.

• The GOP in 1994 was the "party of ideas"; the GOP in 1999 is the "party of pushovers" (for big-government liberals). What more proof do we need that a "principled politician" is a rare beast if not an oxymoron?

• Given the events of the last year, it would be a good idea to limit politicians to a total of one term of office, any office, per lifetime.

• Isn't it odd that the draft-dodgers of the Vietnam era -- who are now safely out of harm's way -- favor foreign adventures?

• There's really little difference between conservatives -- who like government when it gives the "right" answers -- and liberals -- who like government when it gives the "left" answers. Both like government as long as they're in charge of it.

• In the best of all worlds, the end of the impeachment trial would mean the end of news from Washington.

• Arguing about what to do with the budget surplus is like arguing about how to split the loot from a bank robbery.

• The government that wants to invest your Social Security "contributions" for you is the same government that sued Microsoft for being "too" successful.

• If the President is responsible for peace in the world and prosperity at home, he must be responsible for good weather and low golf scores as well.

• Could Republicans and Democrats follow the NBA's example and delay the start of the 2000 campaign until, say, after November 7, 2000?

• If we're truly lucky the Y2K bug will shut down TV for the duration of the next presidential campaign.

• A race between Gore and Bush seems likely, which means that we'll have another four-letter President.

• If the Founding Fathers had been guided by polls we would be known as the Undecided States of America.

• A politician is often a lawyer who has to hire other lawyers to keep himself out of jail.

• Those who say that the era of big government is over he must be talking about the Soviet Union.

• Here's a success strategy for the Republicans: Drive the religious right out of the party and into the arms of the Democrats.

• Old saying: "If you need a friend in Washington, buy a dog." New corollary: "Check the dog for a wire before taking it home."